The Drama Triangle

I received the following email from someone who finished watching the Nehor video series. I thought what she had to share was so insightful, helpful, and spot-on, I asked for and received her permission to share it in its entirety, minus her personal details. 

I have read through and considered her thoughts over and over and I learn something more each time. I believe what she wrote is worth reading, pondering and re-reading. Here it is, as she wrote it:

Hi Adrian! I finished your last video. Well done. 

I especially appreciated the sections on victimhood and suicidal empathy.

I actually had to stop and take notes.   

Some of the parts that stood out most to me were that “victimhood has power among those who are merciful and compassionate, who are attempting to follow the Good Shepherd, and are the true followers of Christ.” 

“But if you claim you’ve been victimized, then among compassionate and merciful people, they will rush to your aid, they will do everything they can to lift you up to assuage (had to look that one up😂) to right the wrong, to heal the wound.” 

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of this before, but you’re talking about an actual psychological phenomenon called the Drama Triangle! I took a quick snippet to share. 

“The Karpman Drama Triangle  is a social model of human interaction proposed by San Francisco psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman in 1968. The triangle maps a type of destructive interaction that can occur among people in conflict. The drama triangle model is a tool used in psychotherapy, specifically transactional analysis. The triangle of actors in the drama are: 

Persecutors, Victims, and Rescuers. 

Karpman described how in some cases these roles were not undertaken in an honest manner to resolve the presenting problem, but rather were used fluidly and switched between by the actors in a way that achieved unconscious goals and agendas.” [AKA False Victimhood] 

“The outcome in such cases was that the actors would be left feeling justified and entrenched, but there would often be little or no change to the presenting problem, and other more fundamental problems giving rise to the situation remaining unaddressed.”

I think you touched on why it was so effective among the merciful and compassionate. Because those are the “rescuer” types. 

I see this constantly all around me ever since I learned about it a couple of years ago.   

My neighbor explained how certain people in our home were taking on those roles and what the necessary results would be. She was right and I was shocked at how we had a huge culture of taking up those roles and that they switched from moment to moment and also some people hold those same positions over and over. 

I had never realized that every time I pointed to who I thought was the “victim” in any given situation, so I could come in and be the “rescuer,” it boosted my ego and made me feel like I was defending the helpless—but in doing so it automatically assigned a persecutor which fueled the division and caused the triangle to continue with conflict. 

And, I agree with you, maintaining the victim identity is essential. Because it is necessary to keep the drama going. But also as destructive, in my opinion, is falling into the rescuer role, because if one person claims false victimhood, another person steps in to be the rescuer, and that will always, automatically put a third-party into the role of persecutor. 

Which is very dangerous, given the fact that it’s a false victimhood to start with. But even when it is true victimhood, it keeps fueling the fire. 

I’ve also noticed that this is when the rescuer becomes the accuser!  (Adding a whole new element and therefore the accused now feels like the victim) It is a nasty pattern. 

As I’ve observed all the conflict unfold with us ladies, it’s obvious that the drama triangle is playing a huge role.  

It really makes me sad. 

I don’t know how many will understand how truly important it is for us all to step out of the roles of the drama triangle.

We as a people need to stay out of other peoples’ business. 😂

I try to use this motto— There are two types of business: My business and none of my business.  😂 

If it didn’t happen to me, If I was not involved, I don’t need to insert myself. But that’s just how l try to manage boundaries and relationships. 

Much of the drama that takes place would be minimized if we could recognize these patterns and how unhealthy they are in relationships and communities. I appreciated you addressing the patterns. I hope it will help. 

I wrote this all yesterday and was going to send it today. But last night I had this dream. So I’m sharing. 

My youngest daughter and I were on an airplane. There was a man causing a  disturbance. I didn’t hear what the disturbance was or see it. I only heard the commotion. 

I peeked around to take a look and saw the man from behind, on his knees with his hands up. There was a security guard or air Marshall pointing a taser like weapon at him. 

I heard him talking but couldn’t understand what he was saying, I could only deduce that he was a man in his 30’s, uneducated and poor. I observed his ethnic background and that he appeared to be of lower intelligence. 

I heard him plead and try to reason. I felt very powerless to do anything in that situation. I had such concern for the man, because he was in distress. It pulled my heart. 

I had the overwhelming urge to try to help (rescue) him. I felt so powerless.  I said to my daughter, oh my gosh… all I can do is just pray now. 

I woke up and I pondered the dream. 

I didn’t know ANYTHING that happened. It was totally ignorant of the situation. I didn’t see it. Didn’t hear what actually happened. Just the commotion and indistinct shouting. 

It didn’t happen to me. 

The man went from being a disrupter in one moment, then to  weak, vulnerable and at risk for an injustice to occur the next moment if the air Marshall couldn’t see the man had a “lower IQ.” He was at one moment a persecutor and the next a potential victim. 

I instantly felt I was the only one who could help calm the situation, to manage it, to control it so that all would be well. 

I realized that I still play that role in my kids’ fights. Always trying to help them see the other side, helping them communicate better etc…but it was only in my dream I was able to see myself clearly. 

It occurred to me that I suddenly inserted ME in to a story that didn’t involve me. I made assumptions the man was handicapped when he could have easily been drunk! I assumed the Marshall wasn’t trained to do his job well enough to recognize a mentally challenged passenger…that the great “I” was the ONLY one with “right perspective” but in actuality I was completely ignorant of what was actually happening. 

I only knew that I felt powerless in doing nothing. 

My ego had such desire to insert ME in to this story that didn’t include me. I wanted to rescue and save. 

DOING something is easier and more comfortable than doing NOTHING. Inaction is so uncomfortable. Sitting in powerlessness is painful. 

I thought it quite profound that here I had written yesterday about “the ladies” in the movement who enter the drama triangle…And the Lord gives me a dream and shows me how I do it with my own family still, and I know all about it and the pitfalls!!  

The Lord also showed me HOW UNCOMFORTABLE it is to watch it and RESIST the urges to fix, solve or save, and rescue…because I am compassionate and merciful. 

But I did manage to figure out the  right role for me by the end of the dream, when my daughter and I began to pray for all involved and left it in God’s hands.